Thoughts..
I can say that my life—as of the moment—is revolving in clichès. I’ve been thinking about things and I’ve pondered on a lot of issues. These are a few sayings that I can find at the top of my head:
- Be careful what you wish for…
”..cause you just might get it.” Okay, this is a song. Life is a surprise, and it is quite surprising that we either get more than what we wished for or the exact opposite. This brings me to the next which is:
- Life is filled with ironies.
No need to explain this. Life, as it is, is ironic. We say that we’ll never want something, yet we end up running after it.
- You realize a thing’s worth when it is gone.
Yes, all of us are guilty of this. We have a tendency to take things for granted. As long as something’s there, we never realize its real worth. And once it’s gone, that’s when the feeling of how big a loss it was hits us.
- Accept.
Then…
- Move on and live.
Being stuck in a moment is useless. It is always helpful to have a bit of courage to finally get up and start walking again. Who knows? Something better might just be around the corner.
Ohmygod I’m old.
When people talk about how happy and perfect my family is, “Kung alam mo lang” (If you only knew) secretly runs inside my mind. I do not find it disturbing. I’m actually surprised that we’ve been so graceful in accepting our own differences—and the problems that those cause us—that our friends and extended families do not notice how dysfunctional we really are.
My parents—based on what I’ve been told when my Mom thought that I was old enough already—had the agreement that they would never fight in front of me and my siblings. This is the reason why, until high school, I had the belief that my parents were perfect and that the family had no problems at all, except for the little internal misunderstandings. This is not a bad thing. I really admire them for putting us first, and for making it a point that we had the best possible environment while growing up.
Why talk about this? I saw our most recent family photo. I just realized how much we’ve changed, and how much I admire my parents for the effort to keep those tears up just to ensure us that nothing will ever be wrong. If there was one promise that I asked them to keep forever, that is to always be together no matter what happens. And they haven’t broken it. I doubt that they ever will.
My Mom suffered from cancer. Though I thought that that was the lowest point of our lives, I still see reason behind it. After a month of feeling like all of us were being whipped and dragged by her sickness—having to live inside the hospital; experiencing the pain of waiting outside the OR (which, I thought, only happened in movies); living day by day, feeling that we can lose her anytime; and going through the worst kinds of emotional, mental and physical pain—I can say that somehow, in our own little way, we have all been healed. The family has never been closer. We have never enjoyed each day that we had together this much. And I know that we all changed for the better. Simply put, we learned how to cherish what we had, now knowing that things can change in just a snap.
We might have learned it the hard way, but I’m still thankful that it wasn’t too late. I believe that all families have their own wake-up calls. I do hope that you, whoever you are who bumped into this post, realize how lucky you are to be in a family like yours. Be the catalyst in changing whatever it is that needs to be changed while there’s still time. You never realize what you have until it’s gone. In my case, almost.
It’s always easy to give advice, but a little too hard to accept one.
Release
I’m not a fan of writing about emotions over the internet. It is for the simple reason that I do not want people knowing and talking about anything that might seem juicy for them. Not that I think that they care about what’s happening with my life. I’m just not comfortable with knowing that unwanted comments and reactions might be solicited from what I post.
But this is my Tumblr account. A handful of people follow me here. No one actually knows about this. So what the heck, right?
Anyway, I’m at my tenth month here in my first real job. I can say that it has been a really wonderful journey for me since I graduated. I’ve been very lucky that finding a good job didn’t turn out to be so bad for me. I left UP in April, and I started working two weeks after. Yes, I can hear you saying “What the hell were you thinking? A long vacation couldn’t have hurt you!” But that’s me. I can’t stay at home for too long. I felt restless and useless. I needed to find security.
SECURITY. When some people talked to me about how matured I was for my age, I didn’t mind them. I thought that I was living life to the fullest, so such assumption came only from the sense of responsibility that I carried since I entered college. I’ve always been so proud about how my parents raised me. They taught me a simple lesson : EARN IT. I was never a free rider at school. I never asked for favors that I knew I could do by myself. I never leaned on anyone that’s out of my family. I felt secured in knowing that I was doing the right things, that I was at the right track, and that I was on my way to being who I ought to be; however, being this strong girl left me with one problem… I forgot about trust.
We find people who are meant to stay in our lives for a long time. We enter relationships, trusting that these people won’t fail us. They won’t leave us hanging, and they will be there until everything gets settled. I was in a long relationship. It lasted for almost three years. I also once thought that he was the one, but I think that it is inevitable for anyone to be in that position where you see things that are not aligned. Plans differ. Things change. At that point, you can only hold on to trusting that it is a minor mishap, and that things will work out anyway.
That wasn’t the case. I had to step back and end the relationship. Why? At the top of my mind, I would say two things: I got scared, and it tired me out. A simple fight can so easily be forgotten. But when two people (or even just one of them) stop seeing the most basic reason to stay in a relationship, everything will start to fall apart. In my case, I lost sight of the end goal. Okay, you might start telling me about how it should be about the journey and not the end… But it just didn’t work out for me that way. I tell you. I spent so many sleepless nights and dreamy days just thinking about things, and they got me nowhere. Call me a coward, but I didn’t want to waste time. I didn’t want to waste his time. I believe that once two people start doubting what they have, something must be really wrong already. It’s just a question of wanting to work it out, or deciding if it’s not worth the time anymore.
I don’t want people telling me what to do. I always believed that I’ve got a good sense of what’s supposed to happen in my life. It scares me to have people chasing me down, while imposing things that I’m not prepared for. This is where my fault came in. I got so busy being scared that I forgot that we were two in the relationship. I never brought up the topic. I always thought that I could resolve it on my own; that it was petty, and that I was just being a little girl. I never asked for help, thinking that I have no one else to trust but myself. Things started crashing down after that. I was wrong in never giving myself fully, and not entrusting it to that one person I should’ve entrusted it to.
That incident opened my eyes. Yes, it may be good that I am strong, but I should accept that I cannot do everything alone. I do not regret my decision. I still think that it was bound to happen. I just wish that I gave him more credit. I gave so much to myself since I thought that I’ve invested so much. The little good things should have mattered, but I only saw the bad.
Time will come that I will open myself to that one person who I can fully trust. I needed security. I needed someone that I can depend on. I wanted someone who will give me direction. I’ve always steered my own wheel. It’s time that I finally share it with somebody else. It may scare the hell out of me, but fear only means that I have something that really matters.
So… On to the next page. :)
